Another high school classmate died three days ago. It shakes me. It makes things way too real and oh so precious at the same time. It makes me wonder – think a little deeper, and remember once again death nudges you, letting you know you cannot ignore the possibilities.
But angels lean on your back, prop you up and whisper its okay. Everything in its time. Yet some of us have less time than others.
I used to be afraid of death. Of being buried under the ground, which only concerns those that are still alive when that happens. God forbid.
I’m not afraid of death anymore, I won’t know. I’ll go to sleep. At least I hope that’s how I’d go – no blaze of glory or a car accident – the last sounds of crushing metal and broken glass. A fire -so frightening. No way out, the thick air burns the lungs and feasts on oxygen. Nor drowning. That is a big fear of mine. To hold the breath as long as possible, till it screams and aches then a release of muscles held tightly, allowing water to fill up the body cavity. I can’t imagine the fear and the pain. Knowing there is nothing you can do. It is simply time. Time for this or that or death.
But life doesn’t stop after death – it doesn’t. Trees continue to lose their leaves, go to sleep, give birth to buds and green leaves, then repeat. The sun rises and sets whether I’m here or not. Children are born. Old folks pass on. Life -repeat. Memories -memories – I used to look at life in turns. It is your turn to have fun, first kiss, get married, give birth or not, be happy, be sad, celebrate and mourn. Then it’s my turn – but it happens way to fast – because someone else is in line behind me. It’s over before it begins, but not what you think. I wish I had slowed down and enjoyed the taste. Like the first lick of an ice cream cone or bright red lollipop. That’s the sweetest isn’t it? Then when you realize, you’ve only a lick or two left, you regret the rush to enjoy it. Such is life.
I find myself missing my mother, my father, my brother, Uncle Andy, dear sweet Erica – and so many others the other day. The other day – I thought about each and every one of those I just listed and many, many others. They had their turn. “I” wanted their turn to be longer. I see that now. I miss them so much. I wish they were here right now. Here. Now. Now I’m here – for this moment – this time – this minute on this date. But a hundred years forward in April 2115 – I will not be here will I? Do we get another turn? And if we do – do we know we’d better use the time we have wisely?
Geez I’m so sick and tired of wasting time, I’m tired of feeling sad or bothered by the past times. I hate wishing time away – and yet we always seem to be doing just that- waiting for the next something to happen. THEN we’ll be happy. Bullshit. It doesn’t work that way.
And we usually don’t figure that out until it’s too late anyway. How can the human being be so smart and so stupid at the same time! Ha. Time. Tick, tick, tick, tock, tock, tock.
It’s raining today. I wonder – I wonder because I suppose I’ll never know if in April 2115 it will rain. Funny if it does. Doesn’t matter. It’s a silly question in this time. There is a chance though isn’t there? A very real chance.
I wonder where I’d submit these musings of mine! Readers Digest or another publication that would share my thoughts and ideas. Wonder who else would read and listen and think like I do, or differently and share their views with me. Funny to think about, but it’s true. We all seem to find someone we want to connect with and be reassured we are not the only ones who feels this way or that way, about life, about ourselves, about time.
So the words come fast as I write. I’m alone in this room. I hear the shower start upstairs and know my daughter is getting ready for her day of work. My older daughter sleeps on, her studies await her. As for me – well, I’ve got three poems I promised for an event. I must drop them off tomorrow. Guess I’d better get busy and write them. Before I run out of time.